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April 15, 2004

Ooo! Look! Anti-Gun Humor!

Good to know we're all just hood-wearing redneck racist death merchants. He really knows us, doesn't he, this Mike Seate?

There probably won't be this many white men packing heat in our city since the 1918 Armistice Day parade.

Here's his list of thigh slappers:

· Ask a gun seller whether he carries any weapons that shoot rapid-fire cream pies. Explain that there's a particularly annoying clown on your block who needs to be taken out. Say this while winking every so often.

· When trying on a new .44 magnum pistol for size, ask whether there's a model available with a quart-capacity flask attached for evenings out. Remind the seller of how "the only thing more fun than shooting is drinking and shooting."

· Dress up in a white sheet and pointed hood and carry a noose. Then ask gun salesmen whether they have anything to "help create the perfect matching ensemble."

· Find the convention's organizers and demand to know why Dirty Harry, Rambo and "that weird Moses guy" aren't appearing in person this year.

· Tell passers-by you're thinking of starting a street gang and need information about the best kinds of guns and ammo to use for drive-bys.

· Set up a booth selling accidental death insurance policies and grave markers. Offer a free cemetery plot with the purchase of any assault rifle.

· Skip places in the line of visitors waiting to enter the convention center by insisting that you're mad as hell at that nosy mother-in-law and need to get even, right now.

· Get hold of the speaker phones connected to the public-address system and shout "Hey everybody -- Bill and Hillary Clinton are outside the building!" The stampede should last for hours.

· Find a table specializing in the sort of teflon-coated bullets that are capable of piercing bulletproof vests. Tell the seller you were considering becoming a police officer until you saw them.

Anybody got some (that are printable, people, and not criminal) that they'd like to send to him? From our side of the fence? Leave 'em here, or click on the "Mike Seate" link, and mail 'em direct! If you leave 'em here, I'll package 'em and send 'em along.

Hat tip to RL for pointing it out!