Archive Logo.jpg

October 09, 2003

Evil Implements used by crabby soldiers.

Trench warfare sucks (well, actual warfare sucks in any form - laser tag in the desert is fun). The high-muckety-mucks alla time want you to sneak over to the Other Guy's trench and do a snoop and poop and find out what General Patton's "Other poor dumb bast*rd" is up to. (Which is probably plotting about making you *his* poor dumb bast*rd, the bast*rd!)

Anyway, unlike patrolling in a fluid environment (see 'snoop and poop' above) getting through trenches is a pain. First, you have to low crawl through the muck to get to the damn wire, invariably stepping on some poor dumb bast*rd who forgot to duck three weeks ago and is a little ripe. Then, using some damn clumsy gizmo attached to your rifle (making it heavier, of course) you have to cut that stuff. Okay. Fine. Yer through. Now what? Well, dammit, if one thing is true about trenches its that they are full of people, running from Zeebrugge to Switzerland. So ya can't just bust a few caps, take out the guards, snatch a prisoner or two, clean up any papers and code books and skeddadle. No, ya do that, and some sorry bast*ards with a machine gun are gonna open up on ya, or their buddy hiding behind a shield is gonna take potshots at you while *his* buddy is dropping HE on your butt, or throwing grenades.

So, ya hafta be sneaky. And, frankly, ya don't like these jerks, cuz, well, here ya are out in No Man's Land when you could be home back in the world knocking back brewskis and banging babes and making babies to take care of you in your dotage. And, since you want to get home and do that stuff and *have* a dotage, unlike that poor dumb bast*rd we mentioned earlier, you have to be quiet.

What to do, what to do.

Ya do this:

Ya take a nice piece of wood, put a heavy lead top to it, stick four sharp spikes coming out the sides at the cardinal points, and one more on the top, so you can poke the poor dumb bast*rd with it. Then, because the damn shavetail loot is pissy about property accountability, you stamp the thing "Royal Inniskillings" so any dumb bast*rd who found the thing in his trench would be sure to mail it back to you. Yeah, right. He's gonna keep it. And since it's stamped in the lead part, he'll just mark it hisself. You just see if he don't!

Yep, that's what you did. That way you can be quiet, and get back to that dotage thing.

John | Permalink | Comments (1) | General Militaria
» The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler links with: How to Have Fun in the Trenches
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: The Adventures of Madfish Willie
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: Happy Hour Madness
» Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon links with: The Best of Madfish Willie